Chinese Porpoise Madness

My wife and children have left me unsupervised this weekend. Admittedly, I don’t usually do well when they leave me for a couple of days. I don’t sleep well, I generally eat at 7-11, and I sulk around the house in silence, or start talking to myself. It’s not pretty. Really, it’s straight-up weird.

I asked around, looking for any wild women who might want to come by and cook me dinner, and then do the dishes, but no one showed. So I was left to fend for myself, just like a real-live hunter-gatherer.

By the way, I’ve got a nasty cold. It’s the kind of cold that feels like a porpoise has crawled up your nose and proceeded to birth a whole shoal of hostile, psychadelic porpoises hell-bent on escape, but finding themselves bottlenecked near the front of my nasal cavity, they vomit all over themselves. It’s kind of gross, but you can relate.


Don’t pretend that you’ve never had psychedelic porpoise vomit spill out of your face.

Anyway, since no wild women were available to make me dinner (like some chicken noodle soup), I thought I could settle for second best, and try an ancient Chinese medicinal practice. Okay… so I figured I’d go to the Chinese restaurant and order some wonton soup. It’s got chicken, vegetables, and dumplings that are somewhat noodley-ish. Also, a side of egg rolls with an extra large pile of hot mustard seemed like an obvious choice, considering my pharyngeal porpoises.

You’ve probably heard it said that going to a restaurant alone is an uncomfortable experience. I would disagree. I love being alone in a restaurant. But the problem starts when other customers start coming in. You know, I’m sure they were staring at me. I saw them doing it while I was staring at them. Our eyes locked, it was weird, and I couldn’t break the stare by talking to someone at my table, because talking to yourself while staring at strangers is exceptionally creepy. Good times.

Anyhow, the waitress came and got my drink order. Just water. And then she left for Mount Jinfo in Chongqing, presumably to some mystical spring where water already has ice in it. It’s worth the wait, I guess.

mount jinfo Chongqing

Really Mount Jinfo in Chongqing. Maybe not the precise location. I’ve never actually been.

Maybe she just disappeared into the back. I don’t know. Maybe she was having her own dinner. Or getting a mani-pedi. I really don’t know, I was thirsty, and I was alone. Waiting. Staring at this menu, knowing full well what I wanted, while quietly arguing with myself about changing my mind. I wondered if I should just go to 7-11 and get a pizza. It’s practically the same as wonton soup, right?

No kidding, she was gone forever. Forever. FOR-EV-ER.


That’s a long time to be hungry.

Okay, so maybe three minutes. I was trying to act casual and not be on my phone. I didn’t want to look creepy, but I guess I was the guy sitting alone in the corner, right? Creepy is kind of exactly how I looked. Creepy and alone, in a restaurant, while trying not to stare at the people. Ugh. Are you feeling uncomfortable? Because I was.

Anyway, she came back, and I ordered a large wonton soup and four egg rolls. Did I mention the extra hot mustard? You know, because porpoises. And then she asked the hilarious question: would you like anything else? Have you ever seen a large bowl of soup at a Chinese place? Apparently, this waitress hadn’t. They basically cut a 55-gallon drum in half, and throw a ladle in it. Do I want anything else? Yeah, maybe someone else to sit at the table to help me eat all of this food that you’re trying to bring me.

No, that’s fine, thank you. Just the soup. And egg rolls. And then some hot mustard.

Back to the waiting. While I sat quietly, I learned something interesting. A three-year old who won’t be quiet is far less annoying than his mother who incessantly shushes him.

  • “Sit still.”
  • “Be quiet.”
  • “You’re too loud.”
  • “That creep in the corner is going to chew your face off it you don’t knock it off.”

Hmm… maybe not the last one. Then again, I was getting hungry…

Could I get a side of fava beans over here? Thanks.

Finally, after another eternity-and-a-half spent awkwardly staring at an empty chair, my food came. The egg rolls were fresh, my hot mustard caused me great physical distress, and my soup was delightful. And then there was that other family that came in. For a moment, I thought they were going to sit at the table next to me. That would have been bad. Luckily, I was putting off those creeper vibes, and they turned back and sat farther away. Good.

Things were winding down. I was eating slower. I mean, that’s a big bowl of soup. So my eyes naturally fell to the placemats, which told me all about my Chinese horoscope. Apparently, I’m a rat, which hurt my feelings, because rats are gross. Especially sewer rats. Except for Splinter. But here’s the thing about rats: allegedly, they are free spenders. But I don’t believe in that horoscope nonsense, so I refused leave a tip, just to prove how wrong their Chinese mysticism really is. Homie don’t play that, ‘na mean?

Everything was great, until she brought my fortune cookie. I was full, but was also at a Chinese restaurant, so I was obligated. I think she picked the cookie on purpose, just to make fun of me. My fortune read as follows:

Special someone? For the guy eating alone? Can I get some ice for this burn?

And that’s about it. Long story short, I had Chinese for dinner last night. I still have a herd of porpoises in my nose, but it’s cool, because I had soup and egg rolls.

Also, I left a $5 tip on my $13 tab. Chill, y’all. I’m not that bad of a guy.

So really, I hope you liked this. Let me know, would you? You can drop a comment below. Go ahead. Do your thing!


  1. Jami

    Maybe it’s because I get your humor so well or because I too have these thoughts when I eat alone. But seriously, I could read your commentary all day!

    1. Ryan (Post author)

      Thanks, Jami! My problem is that I think that I’m hilarious. I’ve never stopped long enough to ask if anyone feels the same way. But I’ve found my audience of one!

  2. Jo Young

    You are gifted,hilarious? Did enjoy the read! If you look any -thing ,today,like your picture on Facebook, I’m sorry the world has become so withdrawn!!If I didn’t know you,seeing you a homeless,eating alone ,I would have bought your dinner!!!!

    1. Ryan (Post author)

      Ha! Never thought looking homeless would be so profitable!! And glad you enjoyed it.


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