Everybody is Hitler

In case you live under a rock, failed history, or are an Iranian Holocaust denier, let me be really clear up front: Hitler was a bad guy.

Seriously, the worst. While he did a lot of nasty stuff during World War II, he is best known for killing millions of people because they weren’t pure enough for his picture of the future. Many Jewish people were executed en masse (nearly six million of them), but the Polish, gypsies, and mentally handicapped were also favorite targets of the despot. All this for a perfect race, where everyone has blonde hair, blue eyes,hitler bernie sanders and likely many other recessive genes.

Hitler was a bad guy. Not the worst dictator in history by any stretch, but he is surely the favorite lamppost at every election in modern American history.

Maybe you’ve already heard it, but listen up:

Bernie Sanders is just like Hitler.

Well, except for the whole Jewish thing. I very much doubt that Bernie the Jew is going to kill himself in the name of ethnic purity. I mean, he’s crazy, but let’s be real.

(And hey, extra credit to the anonymous internet troll who created this meme for the world education. Clearly, his English teacher did a poor job of “indoctrinating” him when he was but a youth.)

Regardless of how we spel ar werdz, Bernie Sanders is an evil, evil man and we cannot vote for him. He is as bad as Hitler because the internet said so.

So who do we vote for? Hillary Clinton, of course! Except for one small problem…

Hillary Clinton is Hitler too!

I mean, if there was ever any doubt, just look at how close their names are. “Hitlary” Clinton? That’d look great on a shirt, so long as it’s being worn by a total knob who would rather spread hate than valid ideas and thought-provoking discussions. (Yeah, people have made those shirts, and they wear them with great pride. Those people are broken, and Jesus loves them anyway, but they don’t make it easy.)

hitler hillary clintonAnd how did we miss this one!? She’s even got the mustache, and she’s been Hitler for EIGHT YEARS! (Since 2008, according to the meme.) You would think that someone would have picked up on this by now.

Clearly, there is some vast right-wing (or is it left-wing?) conspiracy working against us, building this elaborate cover-up. I’ll bet the Democratic party bought her some wax or something. You can’t just shave that caterpillar and call it a worm, after all.

But it’s not just the mustache. It’s everything she says. She is a pro-choice, higher minimum wage, universal health care, youth indoctrinating Nazi sort of nastiness.

Just like Bernie, except more Hitler-esque. Because Hitlary looks good on a t-shirt (except that it doesn’t). She’s way eviler than Bernie. Because she’s a femi-Nazi!

As if Hitler isn’t bad enough, let’s make sure that we call her a Nazi, too. Name calling has always been an effective means of influencing voters. Don’t believe me? Just ask the next candidate, who is sure to be the savior of our country and make America great again: Donald Trump. Wait… This just in!

hitler donald trumpDonald Trump is Hitler!

Just look at those comparisons. Trump is even more like Hitler than Bernie!

Let’s be real, give Hillary’s mustache to Trump and you wouldn’t even know the difference. Except for the hair, of course. Because no one has hair like The Donald. Not even Hitler.

Not included on this list is probably the most startling of all. Hitler is known to have been Time Magazine’s “Man of the Year” in 1938. This was, of course, before the whole Holocaust and ethnic cleansing business. But what you may not know is that Trump was a runner-up for this high honor (and by high honor, I mean ridiculousness) in 2015. But do you know who beat him? Angela Merkel, the chancellor of Germany! Coincidence? I think not…

Clearly, Trump isn’t interested in making America great again. He just wants to deport most of us and execute everyone else. Because Hitler.

But it doesn’t matter, because no matter who we elect this time around, Obama will no longer be our president, and this is great news! Do you know why? Let me make it really clear for you, with bold type and all:

Barack Obama is Hitler!

Screen Shot 2016-05-16 at 4.57.06 AMYep, he’s a bad dude. Really bad. Like, the worst.

Like, Nazi bad.

Again with the mustache. What more proof do we need?

But you know, thank God for Obama, because he came along just in time to get elected and replace George W. Bush, AKA Hitler. Wait, you hadn’t heard that ‘W’ is Hitler? Yep, him too. Just ask around. He’s a war criminal, and clearly responsible for 9-11.

Also, he’s Hitler.

Maybe that’s where Ted Cruz learned it. He’s also Hitler, and probably a Bush crony. Him and his Hitler buddy Mitt Romney, too.

So are we clear? Every politician is Hitler, and we don’t have to listen to what they say, because they are the bad guy. All of them are Nazis. I mean, almost all of them. Certainly not our own candidate. Only Hitler-lovers would call our candidate Hitler. It’s probably a conspiracy, too.

But really, can we just stop with hating everybody that we disagree with? Anytime you start in with the inflammatory speech, you slay any hope for reasonable discussion. Despite the similarities (and some of there are legitimate) calling people Hitler really makes you look bad.

So stop, okay.

Thanks.

2 Comments

  1. Mary

    I was just about to say everyone is compared to Hitler. It’s apparently a thing…like beards and dark rimmed glasses.

    Reply
    1. Ryan (Post author)

      Speaking of which, I need to order some dark rimmed glasses…

      Reply

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