Two months since my decidedly unpopular post about dropping f-bombs like they’re hot, I’m back.
Why the absence? In ways, I guess I’ve nothing to say, although that is not entirely accurate. You could argue that I don’t have anything worth saying, and I’m sure that some of you have been arguing that point for a while now. While that might be partially true as well, the reality is more painful.
I’m ashamed to say the things that I really want to say.
Ashamed? Maybe embarrassed is a better word. Frightened might also work.
Even now, I’m one hundred words in and can’t quite string the words together to let you in.
I’m filled with doubt. And by filled, I mean almost completely. Which I guess makes me empty all along.
Even now, I look at these words and I’m not sure what to do with them. I am struggling in my faith like almost never before. I’m trying to pray, but I lack the confidence to continue. After all, what is the point if God isn’t listening? I read the Bible, but those words that used to bring life to my bones present a constant reminder of my own death.
Is there a God? I’m still confident that there is. But is it the Christian God, Father of Jesus Christ, maker of Heaven and Earth? You know, I think that I do. I don’t know what else I would believe in.
From a near-faithless perspective, I still say that the Christian solution is still the most likely, most fitting, most plausible answer. Is that enough?
I feel like somewhere, through all this fog, this turmoil, this private hell of mine, that Jesus is saying to me, just as he said to another in Mark 9:23;
If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.
You probably know the story. So reads the text, immediately he cried out his reply. “I believe! Lord, help my unbelief!”
Sometimes, I cry out in that same pathetic and broken faith that needs encouraged and nurtured. But more often, I can’t get past Jesus’ first word: If.
If you can believe, all things are possible.
But what if I can’t? What if I don’t anymore?
Reject every bit of Christianity if you want, but one thing is certain: I’m a better person when I believe it.
And I want to be a better person again. If only I can believe it…
I hope you’re not looking for a resolution. I don’t have one. I want to delete this whole post, or at least edit it, but there is not a way to make it look better than it is. I wish it looked good. I long to offer some sort of encouragement, some ray of hope, something worth anything, but I can’t. I’m empty.
Maybe, just maybe, you get it. If nothing else, take solace in the fact that you are not alone. In my darkest places, I still believe that God is with you (and with me), but when you don’t see Him, know that you don’t suffer alone.